The first time I left baby after giving birth was when I had my six-week follow-up doctor’s appointment. Daddy and baby stayed home. We were very nervous – nursing every couple of hours made it a bit challenging for me to leave her side, and it took me awhile to get used to a pump. I started with a manual one, quickly realizing my baby would starve with the drips and drabs that finally came out. When I was done, there was little more than an ounce. “Is that normal?” I asked the lactation specialist during my call; it was preparation for going to my appointment and leaving baby without her source. I decided it was best to get an electric pump. Not wanting to spend a fortune and feeling no need to have a designer bag to carry it in, I settled on a basic one. Finally, I had enough ounces of milk for baby that made me feel more comfortable going off to my appointment – though I had to hide myself away to lull the pump’s gnawing sound, which had awakened baby twice. With a few bottles secured in the fridge, I kissed them both and nervously headed out to my appointment.
The great thing about evening appointments is that there is no wait – well, such has been my experience. They were ready for me when I walked in and I was done, in and out, in less than half an hour. I called home to check in and let my husband know I was on my way back. I was still a little anxious that baby might have made it through the ounces already, or worse, she would continue to refuse the bottle. We had just started to introduce it and she was not having it. The source, and no substitute, is all she wanted.
”She’s still asleep,” my husband said. “All three bottles are in the fridge.”
”Did you check to make sure she’s okay? You know, that she’s breathing?” I responded, a bit concerned. Between the drive there and the appointment, I had been gone for about an hour, and, baby was already asleep when I left.
”Yes, she’s fine.”
“Okay, well, I’m on my way.”
“Take your time … we’re just fine.”
Apparently, that was all I needed to hear – his words freed me. My mind raced with thoughts of what I could use the time to do. I decided to make a slight detour. I called in an order and headed to one of my favorite restaurants. Once I arrived and picked up the food, I called home yet again.
”Baby is still sleeping,” my husband said once more.
There in my parked car, listening to Celtic Hymns, I thoroughly enjoyed mouthfuls of Ginger Stir-Fry Tofu and Veggies. I savored every taste and am sure I said, “Mmm,” out loud with every bite. Then, all of a sudden, I heard a baby’s cry – or, so I thought. It might have been just outside on the street; it might have been a violin screech from the CD; perhaps, it was the fact that I was listening to the music baby was born to – I had it playing softly in the background throughout my labor, and remembered the nurse and midwife coaching me near the end to breathe and push to the ebbs and flow of the music. Either way, I felt a tremendous amount of guilt wash over me. What if baby was up and crying, refusing to drink from the bottle and needing her source. There I was sitting in a parked car on the side of the road, eating my take out Thai food and listening to music.
I resisted the urge to feel guilty. “Time alone is important – for mother and baby,” I said out loud. I took a deep breath and remembered that baby was home with her father – a very capable and think-on-his-feet kind of man. And, there was plenty of milk for her to drink if she was hungry. After six weeks of sleep deprivation, constant contact with baby and being house-bound, I needed a break. In fact, I deserved a break. And, I knew I would be more attentive and patient after the mini-retreat. So, I finished my meal – though, I did eat it twice as fast as when I had started. In fact, I’m not sure I tasted much of the last few bites. Still, I made myself stay and finish it.
I arrived home to find baby asleep and my husband, chin resting on his hands, leaned on a pillow on the side of the bassinette. An almost empty bottle was sitting on the side table. Thank God for good pumps and great daddy’s!
Life Works Lesson #15: Time for self is essential. Trust those around you to be okay without you.
